Strength

Things have been quite difficult lately, but thanks to your prayers, and God's grace, we are beginning to find our way to a better place now. The circumstances have not necessarily changed, but we have definitely been bathed in His comfort and peace. We may feel we are back at square one, nevertheless, we are right where God wants us to be.

I have to confess, I had a major meltdown after this last emergency trip to Interventional Radiology. Going there was no big deal, we're used to these little hiccups along the way; don't like them, but try to deal with them and go on. However, after we met with the chief of IR and he showed us the pictures and extent of the clots, it became apparent that if we had not gone in, this would have quickly become a life-threatening situation. Clots in your carotid, jugular and superior vena cava, with one being the size of your thumb, is definitely not a good thing!

Once the procedure was over (at least what they could do for that day) and Ron was settled in ICU, I was spent. I found my mind wandering to that "what if" place. Fear got a grip on me and wouldn't let go. I'm sure this was enhanced by the fact that I was having flashbacks to just 2 years ago on Nov 4 with Ron taking a sudden nosedive, being rushed to the ICU and doctors telling me to gather family and friends. At one point his heart had stopped out, he was having great difficulty breathing therefore was intubated, he had septic shock and needed emergency surgery and they weren't certain he'd pull through. Then after surgery, being told it was worse than they had thought; everything they touched started bleeding and they could not contain it, so they packed him and sewed him back up in hopes of keeping him alive until the boys arrived.

Funny, how our minds and bodies respond to memories of things that are over and done with, yet continue to impact us physically, mentally and emotionally in such a significant way.

It was difficult to once again see the person I love most (this side of heaven) trembling from the pain. Then to be yanked out of my comfort zone of being able to stay there, and having to drive the 45 minutes away from him to try to sleep once visiting hours ended...oh, so hard!

As I was driving home, I was a wreck! I kept thinking, I can't do this again, I can't do this again! And then realizing, but what choice do I have? This is where we are; what's my alternative? Tell Ron, sorry honey, but I'm out of here...I've had my share and I just can't handle it any more? Tell the boys, ok, it's your turn to be in charge; I'm going home and go about my regular routine? You guys handle this.

As I cried out...please, God, I can't do this anymore; these words resonated in my soul "You're right, you can't do this. I'm not asking you to. But I am asking you to trust Me. Haven't I shown myself to be faithful in the past? Didn't I promise to never leave or forsake those who are mine?" Yes, but I'm still afraid...what if you gave us these two years only to....ugh, that awful "what if" rearing it's ugly head again!

I was comforted in knowing He only speaks truth. When I try to be in control of the situation, I may think I'm able to handle it for a while; but in reality, if it were up to me; I'd be an out-of-control, weepy, fearful mess! I'm so thankful I don't have to rely on my ability (or lack thereof).

This is such a humbling place to be in. We don't share our struggles in order to receive any recognition or accolades. We don't know why God has called us to this journey, but can assure you, it's definitely not us doing anything; we're not strong enough to get through this on our own. It's His strength and His grace that gets us through. We're just trying to figure out how to flesh out this faith we claim to cling so firmly to; believing that He has called us to be transparent and share all the ups and downs of this journey with each of you; while striving to bring Him glory.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12:9

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18

Looking up,
Christie

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" John Piper

"Pursue the pleasure of knowing God intimately!" Patsy Clairmont