Helpless

I've put off writing this update because...well, because truth be told, I'm prideful. And I'm tired of feeling so needy. And I'm weary of this messy season of life we're in.

Yes, I confess, I'm in bondage to PRIDE. I prefer to see myself as a confident, independent woman who can handle life on my own, thank you very much. I can paste a smile on my face with the best of them, and say the right words "I'm good, how are you?"...for a while; then the tiniest of cracks causes the facade to completely crumble.

Now, there's nothing wrong with confidence and independence, but, honestly, there's denial involved in thinking I can do it all on my own.

Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life states "I need you, you need me; we need each other". I totally agree with him; but you see, I never thought we'd be dealing with a life-long illness. It's not so bad to have to accept help for a short amount of time, but incredibly humbling when it's long term. Reality is, WE CAN'T do this without you--your financial assistance, your physical help, your emotional support and especially, your spiritual encouragement through prayer.

I KNOW God has called us to be transparent; to share the good and bad, highs and lows of life with you; to publicly put feet to our faith. But, oh, it's hard when it seems to be unending lows. It's hard to think that people open their e-mail and think, good grief...it's Christie again spouting her gloom and doom. However, when we keep what's going on to ourselves, you don't know how to pray for us. So, as I set aside my pride, and let you in on what's going on; I do so with a humble heart.

Ron had abdominal ultrasound and Doppler of lower extremities about 10 days ago. And yes, they found blood clots; some old (and bigger) and some new. We meet with the hematologist/oncologist this Tuesday to come up with a game plan. We know it will involve blood thinners but not sure how it will be administered. Lovenox injections are not an option - he tends to develop hematomas. Oral blood thinners are not an option - due to his digestive issues including the tethering of bowel, his body would not assimilate this medication in a manner that would be safe or beneficial. Heparin injections into his PICC caused potassium and glucose issues (which was a contributor to his episode of unconsciousness Thanksgiving), so that is not an option, either.

I'd be lying to say this doesn't make us anxious. And yes, we know we're to be anxious for nothing and, yes, we know we're not to worry about tomorrow, but we're having a hard time fleshing this out at the moment. No, we're not losing our faith; though some days are harder than others; we know God has a plan...we may not like it or understand it, we may feel battered and bruised but we KNOW our circumstances don't change who God is!

"I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is His faithfulness;
His mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in Him!”
Lamentations 3:20-24 New Living Translation


I had also mentioned in our last update Ron's issues with his blood work over the last couple of months. This is an ongoing problem with last week requiring blood draws on two different days (requiring multiple sticks since PICC wouldn't draw and they had a hard time getting a usable vein); due to high potassium and chloride numbers. Usually TPN can be tweaked to help with little issues that crop up, problem is...he's not receiving any potassium in his TPN so now we're dealing with figuring out how to modify his diet to hopefully bring these numbers down. How do you modify a diet, when the guy hardly eats anything as it is?

Potassium is an electrolyte. Elevated potassium can cause a multitude of issues including arrhythmia, dehydration, muscle weakness, lethargy. You can have elevated potassium if your kidneys (or in Ron's case, kidney) are not filtering properly. And in Ron's case, it's hard to distinguish symptoms since he daily deals with muscle weakness and lethargy and is always in a delicate state of hydration. So far, he has not exhibited any symptoms related to the heart.

As we've tried to adjust his diet, we've found just about everything he exists on is on the high potassium list: protein drinks, Gatorade, instant breakfast, peanut butter, milk. And it seems ironic that all the stuff that's "good" for you...whole grains, fresh veggies and fruits, even fish!...are all things that are high in potassium. UGH!

I'm so very thankful it's summer time so I'm able to be home to deal with these issues. Not exactly how I had hoped to spend my time off, but you do what you have to do, right?

On top of Ron's issues, I've been fighting some kind of a bug with stomach issues, horrendous headache and body aches for the last couple of days but am so glad we went to church anyways this morning. Our associate pastor's sermon "Amazing Grace: My Chains are Gone" really spoke to me about living in bondage..my bondage happens to be to pride...imagine that! And this bondage keeps me from experiencing all that God has for me. We also sang a new worship song, Helpless (lyrics below) that was very appropriate for what we've been going through lately. Thanks, Danny and Wayne.

And I must say, God continues to amaze us. We struggle to live from paycheck to paycheck each month without having ANY room in our budget for unexpected expenses, along with our savings dwindling oh so quickly. We've been fretting over how in the world we're going to pay off Ron's hospital bills and now $1300 for the compressor it took to repair our air conditioner. What a surprise to receive a very unexpected anniversary gift from a couple who on more than one occasion felt impressed to send us a monetary gift (without knowing the financial struggles we were facing at the moment!) Thanks so much for your obedience to bless us in this way! Your faithfulness will help pay for our brand spankin' new compressor!! Oh, how I love a fully functioning air conditioner in the Texas heat!

This is probably filled with alot of rambling but as I've always said, this is more for my benefit than yours! Writing out my thoughts and feelings are my much-needed therapy!

Know that although we've been going through a rough patch; we choose to find joy in life: our nightly board game after dinner, a peaceful summer evening watching the sunset at the lake, the sweet coos and smiles from our precious grandbabies, evening bike rides, time with family just hanging out...we are blessed in so many ways; and never take that for granted.

I'll try to update again after we meet with hematologist/oncologist Tuesday. Please pray for definitive answers to our questions about anti-coagulation (blood thinning) therapy. And pray for us, as we seek to honor God as we walk this path He has laid out for us.

Much love, Christie


Wish I had an audio to go with this but...hope this speaks to your heart as it did mine.

Helpless

I wasn't created to live this life alone;
Made for Your glory, I am not my own.
Lord, Your strength is made perfect in me,
So I'll boast in the weakness I see.

I am helpless, helpless,
And my heart is crying out for You.
Jesus, without Your presence,
There is nothing I can do;
I'm helpless without You.

Lord, in myself I am not enough.
I need Your Spirit; fill me with Your love.
All I am and all that I do
Means nothing at all without You.

I am helpless, helpless,
And my heart is crying out for You.
Jesus, without Your presence,
There is nothing I can do;
I'm helpless without You.