Shepherd

It's so good to be home! I unloaded Ron and all our stuff around 11:30 then headed in to work. It was good to be back to something that feels so normal, with so many areas of my life totally out of my hands, it's a tremendous respite to be somewhere doing something where I feel I have some sort of control.

Beware, the raw transparency is about to unleash! Thanks, in advance, for listening. Let the therapy session begin:

Unfortunately, the erythromycin has not made a difference and Ron was "yakking" (as Dr. A calls it) after eating two meals of solid food. So, he has been put back on a strict liquid diet. After consulting with Dr. S, decision was made that another procedure, enteroscopy (type of endoscopy using a longer scope to reach the small bowel) needs to take place.

On Tuesday, February 3, Dr. A will do the enteroscopy and try to get to where the loop of bowel is dilated and see exactly what is going on. This procedure is done on an outpatient basis but Dr. A said to pack a bag just in case; if anything is even slightly difficult, he will want to admit Ron for observation. Dr. A is specifically looking to see if any kind of a stricture or obstruction is causing things to back up, thus causing that section of bowel to enlarge. If there is, he hopes to use a balloon to stretch it slightly (this will have to be done multiple times over several weeks); obviously this has some risks involved which are heightened due to all the complications from previous surgeries. If they don't find an obstruction/stricture, this will prove it is a motility problem; which means that section of the small bowel is not functioning.

The quietness of our truck as we were driving home caused me to reflect on all we've learned and decisions we've made, which led to questions. I try not to go to the place of 'what if"; it tends to be quite overwhelming. But, I also need to be realistic, as well as prepared. I know we briefly discussed some of this but my overloaded brain has to hear things repeatedly in order to process and absorb. So, these are my questions posed to Dr. A, (I'll share his answers when I hear back)

If you go in Tuesday and find there is no stricture/obstruction therefore this is a motility issue, what then? Will the Domperidone (non FDA-approved drug) still be the next option? If we understood Dr. S correctly, he is of the opinion that if the motility has not kicked in by now, it's not going to and that section of bowel most likely needs to come out. Obviously, he doesn't like that option and is hoping for a stricture/obstruction...whatever! Just something that can be dealt with nonsurgically.

If surgery does indeed need to take place, how quickly would this need to happen? Where would this put Ron as far as amount of remaining small bowel? Will he have enough small bowel to lead a normal life (whatever that means!) Will he need to be placed on TPN? What are the implications?

I realize I am extremely tired and may be jumping the gun; we don't know what the outcome will be on Tuesday but the land of "what if" is looming ever larger before me. Several times throughout the afternoon/evening the possibility of what may come has hit me hard. I've cried and questioned and screamed ENOUGH GOD! I don't think I can take any more! I keep thinking how great it would be to get on a plane and fly somewhere, anywhere away from here and all that's going on. But reality is, it will still be here: the procedures that need to be done, the decisions that need to be made, the weariness...and the sorrow over what we think could have/should have been. But in the midst of it all, as much as I wish things were different I choose to say "Father, it's not what I want but if this is really Your will, help me get through. Help me cling to You and never lose hope. No matter what happens, I can rest in knowing You never change. You are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Your love for me knows no bounds and I can trust You in ALL things. You promise You will NEVER leave or forsake me. That doesn't mean I won't have tough times; but I know You will carry me when I stumble beneath the weight."

Inhale. Exhale. Aaahhh, I already feel better. Thank you, Father! And thank you faithful ones for joining me in this journey; for your willingness to shoulder our burdens. As I share with you our world, I can already feel this load being lifted.

Please join us in praying for results from Tuesday's procedure to be better than we could ever imagine. For there to be a definitive answer as to what the next step should be. I would love for it to involve a quick remedy with no surgery required; but am trying to be open to whatever God's will may be.

Ah, my music and how it ministers to me! If you've never heard the song, Shepherd by
Todd Agnew search it out and read the words as you listen. It mirrors my spirit on many days.

Below are excerpts from some of the verses that speak to me:

Shepherd, Your sheep are weary
Cold and tired, battered and bruised and torn

We need to hear Your voice
Whatever You might say
We just need to hear Your voice
Show us the way

Rest in knowing though we may be battered and bruised and torn; all is right in our world --for God is still on His throne.

Christie